Left Unsaid
by Crossroads Wanderer
Summary: Pre-slash and non-explicit slash. Takes place during "The Tholian Web." Kirk leaves an extra recording behind just for Spock. Chapter 2 involves the intense chess match between the two later that evening.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So this idea just sort of hit me and it was short enough that I actually managed to finish it. :)

This takes place during "The Tholian Web" and I tried to stick pretty well to the events of the episode. Other than the main difference, I only did a little tweaking. Please let me know what you think about it, as I'm always open to pointers.

Disclaimer: I don't own it and I'm not making money off of it.

* * *

"_Bones, Spock. Since you are playing this tape, we will assume that I am dead, that the tactical situation is critical, and both of you are locked in mortal combat. It means, Spock, that you have control of the ship and are probably making the most difficult decisions of your career. I can offer only one small piece of advice, for whatever it's worth: use every scrap of knowledge and logic you have to save the ship, but temper your judgment with intuitive insight. I believe you have those qualities, but if you can't find them in yourself, seek out McCoy. Ask his advice. And if you find it sound, take it. Bones, you've heard what I've just told Spock. Help him if you can. But remember he is the Captain. His decisions must be followed without question. You might find that he is capable of human insight and…human error. They are most difficult to defend, but you will find that he is deserving of the same loyalty and confidence each of you…have given me. Take care.__"_ Several moments of tense silence descend upon the room as the recording ends.

"Spock, I…I'm sorry. It does hurt, doesn't it?" There is a clear note of apology in McCoy's voice, as he seems to realize that their squabbling is out of place under such dire circumstances.

"What would you have me say, doctor?" Spock's voice is flat and emotionless, almost an insult to Bones' attempt at making amends.

Bones stands silently reaching out to Spock for some kind of emotional response. After a few moments, he accepts defeat and leaves.

Spock walks over and half-collapses into Jim's chair, looking down at the envelope in his hands. As he gently places it back in the safe, he notices something he missed on his first examination of the safe: another envelope, addressed solely to him. Spock hesitates, but then reaches into the safe to collect the missive. Within is another tape, which Spock resolutely places into the computer terminal.

"_Spock, you are probably puzzled by the presence of this second tape meant only for you. The truth is…that I have been a terrible coward. The things that I want to tell you, I should have told you in person, before it was too late. That you are now viewing this tape attests to the fact that I never brought myself to confess my feelings to you."_ There is a long pause, then a drawn breath. _"Spock…I…love you. For a long time, I have told myself that you are merely my dearest friend, that my affection for you is merely platonic, but I know that that's not the truth. I have come to know that my life would be worse for your absence from it. I want to be something greater than just your friend, to demonstrate my feelings for you. I tell myself that your Vulcan emotions wouldn't allow for that kind of relationship, yet, I think that you are capable of more emotion than you let on. I can't be imagining it every time you smile at me, every time you make a joke, every time you poke fun at Bones. But my uncertainty and my desire to keep you, at least as a friend, if I can be no more, has held me back. If you do not return my feelings, I only hope that your memory of our friendship is not marred by what you now know. If you do return my feelings, then I have been a fool and I hope that you can one day forgive me."_

Spock sways in his seat. His world comes crashing down around him and his mental shields are of little use. /_He loves me and I never knew. If the ship cannot get a transporter lock on him at the next interphase…the ship must get a transporter lock on him._ / Spock felt a cascade of very un-Vulcanlike emotions wash over him: awe, sorrow, chagrin, bittersweet joy, and a hint of fear.

Upon further consideration, Spock realizes that, should Jim return to the ship to find that Spock has viewed this recording, it might put undue pressure on their relationship. He resolves not to tell Jim of his knowledge of the tape, even if it requires some deceit. The intercom sounds, and a brief flash of panic shoots through Spock before he hauls his mental shields back in place.

"Spock here."

"Mister Spock, we have a readout on the Tholian tractor field. I think we can estimate its approximate completion time." Scotty's voice drifts from the com unit.

"I shall be there shortly. Spock out."

*****

"I had a whole universe to myself after the Defiant was thrown out. There was absolutely no one else in it. I must say I prefer a crowded universe much better. How did you two get along without me?" Kirk's eyes show a boyish twinkle of mirth and Spock can't help staring for a moment.

"Oh, we managed. Mister Spock gave the orders, and I found the answers." Bones is almost too cheery, bouncing once on the balls of his feet as he speaks.

"Good. No problems between you?"

"None worth reporting, Captain." Spock falls into the act admirably, feigning a very human form of nonchalance. Jim seems to detect the deception.

"Try me." Jim speaks to his first officer in a lightly suspicious tone.

"Only such minor disturbances as are inevitable when humans are involved."

"Which humans, Mister Spock?"

"He means when humans become involved with Vulcans, Jim."

"Ah, yes. I understand. Well, I hope my last orders were helpful in solving any problems that you don't feel worth reporting." At this point, Spock and Bones lay the act on thick, glancing at each other is feigned confusion.

"Orders, Captain?"

"What orders are you referring to, Jim?"

"My last orders. The last orders that I left for both of you." The CMO and first officer once again look at each other in confusion, while the captain is clearly perturbed. "The last taped orders."

"Oh, those orders. Well, there wasn't time. We never had a chance to listen to them."

"No. You see, the crisis was upon us, and then passed so quickly, Captain, that we-"

Kirk's perturbation shows little sign of letting up. "Good. Good. Well, I hope we won't have similar opportunities to test those orders which you never heard. Ahead warp factor two, Mister Sulu."

"Warp factor two, sir."

Shortly after the doctor leaves the bridge, Spock once again approaches the captain's chair. "Spock, is there something you need?" Jim smiles up at the Vulcan, melting Spock emotional barriers and making him falter for a moment.

Spock recovers and replies, "There is no problem captain. I merely wished to determine whether you would be amenable to a game of chess this evening."

Jims gives Spock a brilliant grin and responds, "I would be delighted, Mr. Spock." At that, Spock gives Jim that glowing hint of a smile that is reserved only for Jim.


	2. Chapter 2

So I meant to finish this story months ago, but I got distracted by life (sorry!). I also had to get over my perfectionist streak so that I could actually submit this. Enjoy, and please let me know what you think of it. Be honest! :)

* * *

At the end of his duty shift, Spock quickly retreats to the turbolift, desiring a lift to himself in order to clear his mind. When the lift halts and Doctor McCoy joins Spock, Spock momentarily ponders the mathematical odds that the Doctor had gained psychic powers and was using them for his favorite game – exasperating Spock. The timing of his entrance onto the lift combined with the knowing smirk on the doctor's face makes it quite clear that Spock is about to be drawn into a conversation he would rather not have.

"So, Spock! You didn't tell me why you wanted to tell the captain we never saw his last orders." McCoy speaks in an irritatingly cheery tone that signals that he knows something Spock would rather he didn't.

"I believe humans have an emotion known as pride, one that you possess an abundance of. I was merely considering the likelihood of your pride sustaining injury due to the captain's orders that I be 'followed without question,'" Spock returns, dryly. "Should your pride sustain such an injury, I doubt that I would ever again be allowed a moment of silence."

"Nice try, you green-blooded hobgoblin," this in the same insufferably upbeat tone, "but I've caught on to your secret. You stayed in the captain's quarters for a little while after I left. I went in there while you were on duty–"

Spock cuts him off, "Doctor, it is a breach of Starfleet protocol to enter the captain's quarters without permission."

"Jim wouldn't mind, we're old pals. Anyway, so I went in there to take a look around and see what might have kept you long. It sure was an eye-opener." McCoy grins and bounces on the balls of his feet, "So. You gonna tell him how you feel?"

McCoy looks as if he is deriving far too much pleasure from watching the Vulcan squirm. Spock stiffly replies, "That is none of your affair, Doctor. Any correspondence addressed to myself from the captain is purely my concern."

"Aw, come on, pointy-ears. You know you're a big softie for him. And, as the ship's CMO, I can tell you, it's not good for your health and performance to bottle up your feelings." McCoy grumbles, to himself, "_Not that you ever do anything but._" Speaking in a softer, confiding tone now, "Look, I'm not going to tell him anything about it. I just think you should think about telling him how you feel. I'd rather not have to deal with two lovesick officers, who are fully capable of acting on their feelings, but won't, out of some sort of displaced pride."

"Doctor, Vulcans do not–" Spock starts.

"–feel pride, or love, or any other godforsaken emotion. Yeah, and I'm a Tellarite. Just tell him, Spock. Maybe then you'll actually crack a smile once in a blue moon."

As McCoy steps out, Spock realizes that they had been sitting in a stationary turbolift for some time. It is a wonder that no crewmates had been around to hear the revealing conversation. He quickly directs the turbolift to take him to his quarters.

The door buzzes and Spock rises from his meditation mat. "Enter," he directs. The door slides open to reveal his captain, who is wearing an easy grin. "I hope you're up for an exciting game of chess, Mr. Spock." Kirk saunters into the room and Spock watches the unintentionally - or maybe _quite_ intentionally - seductive gait.

"Can I offer some refreshment, Captain?" Spock asks, after a pause that is a breath too long.

"A cup of coffee would be nice. And we're off-duty, Spock. Call me Jim." Warmth pervades his tone and, indeed, every aspect of his demeanor as he requests the more personal designation.

"Jim," Spock acknowledges as he brings the cup of coffee from the replicator. Their fingertips brush as Spock hands the cup to Jim, causing Spock to shiver softly. Jim almost seems to have noticed this reaction, as the light in his eyes brightens, apparently with delight, and his smile seems to widen. Spock determines that this can't be so, as the captain cannot know of Spock's feelings. After a moment's recovery, Spock returns to the replicator to get a strong Vulcan tea for himself, before returning to the table.

Spock slowly takes a sip of his tea, and then returns the focus to the chess board. "Jim, I believe it is your turn to play white." The board is already set up, as Spock had been expecting Jim.

"I believe you're right, Spock."

Jim locks eyes with Spock for a moment, glances casually at the chessboard, and returns his gaze upwards, once more locking eyes with Spock as he moves a piece. The Vulcan looks down at the chessboard as he decides on a move. There is a small period of indecision, but he mirrors Jim and locks eyes with his captain as he makes his move. As Spock looks up, Jim is still looking at him, smiling a little as their eyes once more connect. Spock finds himself unable to suppress a small smile in return.

Jim smirks into his cup as he takes a sip of his coffee. He casually puts his cup down and moves another piece, retaining the smirk all the while. "So Mr. Spock, the crew tells me you performed admirably in your command duties in my absence," Jim begins conversationally.

"I performed my duties to the best of my abilities. I believe, however, that I would not have performed to the same standard of proficiency, in the long term, as the Enterprise's true captain." Spock acquired his perfectly unflappable Vulcan demeanor as he spoke these words.

"Was that a compliment, Spock? I'm flattered." There was a playful quality to Jim's voice, and Spock noticed that Jim had been smiling more than he had held a straight face since entering Spock's quarters.

"It was an observation, but I do not take objection to your categorization of the words as complimentary." Spock retained his cool Vulcan façade as he spoke, but a subtle smile creeped onto his face a moment later. He followed his words by moving another piece.

Jim's eyebrows shoot up momentarily, but then the look is quickly replaced by a mischievous one. Jim slowly makes another of his creative chess moves, while simultaneously redirecting the conversation. "So, Bones tells me that you remained in the Tholian region even after you had me declared dead." Jim says this in a mild voice, in contrast to the challenge evident in the subject of the statement.

Spock hesitates, having little support to argue for his actions. He had hoped that the topic would not come up, but he also knew that this was a hope in vain, as Jim is a highly intelligent, observant being. Taking a deep breath, Spock begins, "There were too many uncertainties; I could not be sure that you had died, therefore, I was duty-bound to remain and determine your state." A pause, then, "Jim, you are the best captain in the fleet; Starfleet would require that I determine, unequivocally, that you had died before I leave without you." Spock falters slightly at the word 'died' and leaves unspoken the fact that Jim's personal importance to Spock outweighs even his devotion to duty.

"From my understanding of the situation, there was little reason to believe that I'd still be alive, but, nonetheless, thank you." Jim's tone goes soft and sentimental; he is also clearly providing an out to save the dignity of the austere Vulcan.

Spock wavers. The game continues for several minutes in silence, Spock lost in thought, Jim looking more professional than before, and somehow disappointed. Neither party seems to be paying much attention to the events of the chess match.

Finally, as Jim is reaching out to the chessboard to move a piece, Spock gently grabs his wrist. "Captain...Jim. You are my friend. I could no more have allowed you to die than I could have passively allowed my own life to end."

"Spock." Jim's intonation of the name is filled with tenderness and compassion.

Spock can feel that tenderness gently filtering through the skin-to-skin contact with his captain. Spock takes another deep breath, letting it out in an almost-sigh before continuing. "Jim, your life is truthfully even more important to me than my own. I have come to…_feel_…for you, more strongly than is perhaps logical. I find that I do not care."

The look on Jim's face is understanding and blissful. The two men lean across the small table between them, their fingers entwined and their lips parting. They bump into the three-dimensional chess set as they lean in, knocking several of the pieces off of the board. Spock extracts one of his hands to sweep the chess board aside, and their lips meet. The kiss is sweet and firm. Their lips never part as the rise from the table to stand chest to chest. Jim's hands come up to cup Spock's face, while the fingers of one of Spock's hands run through the short hair on the back of Jim's neck, his other arm wrapped around Jim's waist. The kiss becomes more passionate and their hands begin to wander, running up and down each other's bodies before sliding underneath tunics to caress bare skin, until Jim reluctantly breaks the kiss.

Jim's voice holds a mixture of concern and restraint. "You're sure you want this? I can wait if we're going too fast-"

"Jim," Spock purred, "We have waited long enough." Jim's face lights up at the indirect declaration of long-standing love.

Spock's lips once more cover those of his soon-to-be lover. Their hands return to their wandering and, before long, clothing is being shed onto the floor as the companions make their way to the bed.

Spock awakens face to face with Jim, who is sleeping peacefully. The Vulcan contemplates the soft features of the man across from him. The man whom he had been forced to admire from a distance (or so he thought) until the night before. For a moment, he lets himself feel a very un-Vulcan tinge of regret at lost time, but then he is overwhelmed by feelings of wonder, that he has been able to find his soulmate, his _t'hy'la_.

Jim's eyes flutter open and a contented smile appears on the man's face. He slides his arms around Spock's waist and plants a tender kiss on said Vulcan's lips. The Vulcan reciprocates.

"Why didn't we do that years ago?" There is no accusation in Jim's voice, only tenderness.

"The truth is, captain, that I had been a terrible coward." Spock replies with a hint of teasing in his voice.

Kirk's eyes widen and he says in mock indignation, "Why Mr. Spock, I believe I have been taken advantage of."

Spock plants a tender kiss on the side of Jim's neck and counters, his lips moving against Jim's throat, "It is you who have ensnared me. I have merely chosen to yield to your charms."

Jim shivers with pleasure. "Quite logical of you, Mr. Spock." The words come with some difficulty, as his breathing hitches.

"I concur."

Moments pass in contentment, until Spock breaks the silence. "Jim?"

"Hmm?"

"You knew that I had seen the tape."

Jim smiles and says nothing.


End file.
